I will be the first to admit that I am a work in progress. I am not a perfect girl, I have many flaws and imperfections. Unfortunately, self-doubt and lack of confidence are two of my biggest flaws that sometimes tend to stick out like a sore thumb.
When I first started my weight loss journey, I never imagined exactly what the journey would entail. It’s not just about losing weight, eating right and exercise….its about becoming more in tune with yourself and learning things about yourself you never knew existed or just forgot existed. Fifty pounds are gone, but I still see the fifty pounds when I look in the mirror. Behind that extra weight, I found comfort in food and the “safeness” of not being seen. The self-doubt tells me that people still see the bigger Kris, not the healthier version. My battle currently in an emotional battle, feeling secure in my own skin.
Occasionally I will turn in Negative Nellie and totally become my own worst enemy, and I can absolutely assure you that “my worst enemy” is a nasty, vile bitch. I’m used to her and her comments, but others not so much. Recently, a new friend got to see Negative Nellie at her best. While of course it’s embarrassing personally for someone to see, let alone someone new and of the opposite sex, it was pretty dang humiliating. But being the gentleman he is, he proceeded to call me on my actions and pretty much put Negative Nellie in her place. It was then I realized why our paths had crossed…God knew I needed someone in my life to call me on my whining and BS and tell me exactly how I am putting the negativity out front and center for everyone to see. Negativity that instead of drawing people in, is instead pushing people away. Setting my progress back. Message received, F*. As painful as the words were to read, the actual sinking in hurt far worse. But a good kind of hurt. The kind of hurt that actually hit the nail on the proverbial head and made me realize I need to put that kind of negativity and self-doubt outside of my thinking.
F*, thank you for being honest with me and telling me an unbiased view of me and my behavior. You are a Godsend and a breath of fresh air that I desperately needed, and didn’t know I was missing in my life. While I can’t promise I won’t whine or complain anymore, I will promise that I will work on getting rid of Negative Nellie, because I know you two don’t get along!
After some soul-searching last night, I remember the graphic posted above. The graphic contains the words that I need to remember and embed in my thoughts daily. I plan on displaying those same words on a canvas and placed where I can read them daily and remind myself of them.
No one is perfect, but no one should be as self condemning as I have been to myself. I have been told before that my words can cut deeper than any knife. Little did I know the recipient of the harshest, most hurtful words, was myself.
In the words of my beloved Avett Brothers, “Kill the doubt that strangles my self worth.” Those words, those lyrics..I get it, man do I get it.