I have always been a Christmas girl. Being born five days after Christmas, and being named after it…kind of makes my love of Christmas a given. The past few years I have found myself struggling to regain that spirit that I am so afraid of losing. I think my spirit started fading in 2014 after the stress and weight of the world I began carrying when my Mother was violently sick and in and out of hospitals, rehab facilities, and finally back home after almost nine months away.
2014, signified a year of changes in my life. The year I had to grow up so to speak. That was the first truly tough year I had experienced and realized just how tough and challenging life can truly be. At the same time, I discovered how I step up when faced with tough decisions and how hard I can fight when the odds are against me. That same year I lost my best friend, which I knew was coming because our friendship wasn’t the same…the emotional distance was just to great. I also lost my job, which I had been at for almost 12 years, via text message and because of the before mentioned friendship dissolving another friendship was lost as well.
That same year I found out which friends were truly there for me and my bond with my parents strengthened. Sadly though the bond between myself and one of my brothers was broken and I’m not sure if that can ever be mended back to its original state. But back to Christmas spirit….I think I equate Christmas spirit with the genuine childlike spirit and excitement of Christmas.
I think perhaps I think I must go all out for Christmas, or it won’t be considered special enough. Also, my overactive brain that is constantly working overtime is creeping future Christmas thoughts into my thinking. Meaning that I know my Christmases with my parents are limited, it’s the cycle of life, I know. My brothers are what I have left. Between the three of them, they can never coexist to be able to have a family dinner together. So where does that leave me. Maybe that is the part that I have the hardest time with…What does my Christmas future hold. Is my Christmas spirit tied with traditions, family, or does it exist elsewhere. And that is my problem.
Last weekend, after a particular hard morning filled with self-doubt and angst towards Christmas, my dear sweet friend Karen was the ever so needed voice of reason. She helped me realize that the spirit is held within me and that wherever I am, whatever I do the Christmas spirit is always there. (Karen (my Christmas twin), thank you for reminding me of that.
Enjoy what Christmas I have now, and worry about the rest later. Make new traditions. Christmas doesn’t always have to be a big elaborate affair. Simple is just as beautiful! This year Christmas will be special. I’m reverting to the decorating style of my younger days. The decorations will be simple. It will be a cozy kind of Christmas and I’m excited to share it with my family.